April 12th – Davidene’s note

Hi, Friends :

Another weekend is here, which makes me think about last weekend, which makes me smile. Last Saturday I was allowed to step back into a role I had for years, but which has decreased during the recent years of Kent’s illness. My church women had an annual event – a church wide ladies’ luncheon and program. I did not do anything very helpful in the weeks leading up to it, but I was able to help with the stage arrangements for the program, and act as MC for it. It was so enjoyable and comfortable, and was also encouraging that such times would again be in my life. I was thoroughly happy for those hours.

Then, on Sunday, I was able to stay throughout both Sunday School class and the church service. Afterwards, as was Kent’s and my custom, I went out to eat with a group of friends. As I walked up to the table, I was aware that a certain sweet friend was moving people around to make sure that I had a seat in the middle. I wanted to cry with relief. There I was surrounded by people, and could hear all of the conversation. She had been doing this for me for the weeks since Kent died, and I was touched by her sensitivity. I had the opportunity to tell her how much I appreciated her gestures in my behalf. On the way home, I got teary just thinking about how blessed I am to have friends who go out of their way to think about how I feel in new situations. (And any situation without Kent is a new situation, no matter how normal it was before.) It seems crazy, but thinking about where to sit is a big deal! It is so easy to feel alone when I am at the end of a row or a table. The absence of Kent is so much more apparent to my heart unless I am surrounded by people. It seems silly, but aloneness is a pervading feeling, and with it comes emotional unease and insecurity. And it is very easy to be “alone” in a crowd. God bless the people who see and understand this, and I have many family and friends who do. They make my efforts to “do life” so much easier.

With such love around me, and wonderful prayer support, I think I am doing well. Really. There is grief, of course, and will be for a long time. I still do not have a clue as to what ‘Davidene’ and her life will eventually look like, but I am taking one day at a time, and that is enough. I am still doing crazily stupid things, almost daily, but I read that this is standard with severe grief. I am exhausted by day’s end, and sometimes by lunchtime, but it makes sleep come easy – which is a real blessing.

All in all, I am thankful for you and your prayers. Please continue, and think about my children and grandchildren as you do. I wish I could blog what is in the lives and hearts of my children, but suffice it to say that they have a great depth of grief, too, while they are also trying to help me and their own children. Lance and Stacy’s family also lost “Grammie”, Stacy’s sweet and lively Grandma, within weeks of Kent’s death; so they have had a double dose of loss. My family has been amazing to me, and I love them all, way above my ability to express it in mere words. God has truly given me great blessings. I love them, and the God who gave them to me.

Love, Davidene

 

EASTER SUNDAY, 2013

Another first today – the first celebration of Easter without Kent here. It made me think all day about what it must be like in Heaven on the day which we choose to set aside to celebrate His resurrection. Our are holidays even noted in Heaven? Is every day there a day of celebration of who Jesus is and of what He did for us? I wonder if such a celestial occasion would be marked by music, light, and joy? – or by worship and quiet awe? – or both?

I do know that Jesus Himself instigated one event of remembrance that He specifically wanted His followers to continue after His departure to Heaven – the one we now call “Communion”. It began during the solemn and reverent Passover dinner, and was followed by a song and prayer in the Garden. I suppose that it is not necessary in Heaven, where Jesus is present; but I don’t know for certain, because we are not told. I attended church with my youngest daughter and her family in Ada, Okla. It was a sweet and timely service for me, a comforting one. It was highlighted for me by “Communion”, and the comments made about it. I felt extra emotional support, and knew prayers were being offered for me. Thank you.

After that service, we all drove back to Oklahoma City, where we met with the rest of the Humphreys clan – sixty plus strong in number. It is our family tradition to meet as a whole to celebrate both Christmas and Easter, and Easter is always special. We pray, have a big meal, and play together. The time is centered around the children, and most of it takes place outdoors. The adults run around taking pictures of the kids having fun, and eventually it all quiets down to quiet conversation on the porch. It is a relaxing, easy, family time, and it was even today. Kent’s favorite part had been everything, but we loved watching him out taking pictures with his tiny camera, acting as much like a kid as anyone. He loved sitting on the porch and talking (of course!), and I missed him terribly. The whole family was attentive and sensitive, and if any of you read this blog, THANK YOU for making this day easier for me. You sat by me and talked, were aware when I didn’t know where to put myself, and filled in the empty seat beside me at dinner (you were a blessing, Randy). All in all, I think my children and their families and I did well getting through another first. What a strange journey. Another happy/sad day. But a good one. Enjoying my family, Davidene

Monday, March 25th – update

Dear Friends, it has been awhile since I posted anything, but not because I didn’t try! I sat here multiple times, and did not know what to say. It is bizarre. Life is like walking through a thick fog. You are walking, going somewhere in familiar territory, but nothing looks the same or quite right. Rain happens when you don’t expect it and don’t see it coming, usually in the form of tears. You actually get some normal things done, although they are now accompanied by mistakes wrought by not thinking well. I feel like my brain has short-circuited, frying some other circuits, too. It just doesn’t respond in the clear sharp way that it used to.

I have made some pretty big mistakes already, which makes me want to stay home and do nothing so as not to be so foolish. But I think it is better to keep going out and living life, however haltingly, then to stay safe. It is a dilemma some days. Some of my mistakes have actually been comical, such as the time I tried to mail an old phone to a company that takes them, but I put my new phone in the box instead, barely catching the mistake before the box had completely left! I have done so many of these things, that I am keeping a whole page of silly mistakes that I write down daily. It will give me some giggles some day, I’m sure. Right now, acting this way is frustrating! I would like to think it is not the normal “me”.

My family passed a huge “first” a week ago. We took the first weekend of the grandkids’ Spring Break from school, and went to our lake house. Only two days – a good starting point. Of course, we walked in, took one look at Kent’s empty chair, and had the first good cry of many. But over-all, the weekend was highlighted by lots of laughter, playing games, watching funny movies, and doing “sweet crafts” with the kids. Hannah, Kenda’s oldest girl, found an great idea on the internet about making sundresses out of men’s shirts. So each granddaughter picked one of “Wads'” shirts, and we are creating sundresses for them. We are all going on a trip to the beach this summer, and the girls will wear their “Wads dresses”. The highlight of the weekend was probably the hours spent sitting on the floor, looking through boxes of old pictures that Kent had been going through to put on the computer. It was precious.

Another huge successful “first” for me happened yesterday – I got through a whole service at church. I didn’t cry, and I even enjoyed the music. That has been the hardest thing – music. Who would have thought?

Well, as you can tell, we are all doing life a day at a time, and that is what God wants, anyway. He sends people, cards, comments, calls, and sunsets at just the right time, every day. His words are precious and sweet – food for the soul. With such nourishment and the calmness of prayer (like a good night’s rest), healing will come. Slowly, but surely. We love all of you, Davidene and family.