March 7, 2013 – update on Davidene
March 7, 2013 16 Comments
I thought I would keep you posted about how life is now for me. You have been faithful in prayer for years – could you keep it up for a little while longer? I need you. I have been journaling, and I thought I would share some of it with you. I call my journal “Reflections”. It is somewhat random, with scattered thinking, but that is how I am right now.
I have been a widow for 35 days. It is not what I imagined at all.
Music hurts my heart. You would think that it would bring comfort to hear about how God is my strength and comfort and hope. My head knows that, and I live every day only by His grace, peace, and hope. But music reminds me only of what I have lost – why I so badly need God’s presence right now. It makes attending church hard, too. I have yet to get through an entire Sunday morning at church. And yet, sitting in my recliner in my living room, with the fireplace going, not looking at the empty recliner beside mine, comforts me. You would think that spending evenings as we did for so long would keep me in tears. But the opposite is true. It seems right – restful and calm. How can such opposites reside in the same entity?
Another set of opposites in me – simplicity and chaos. The two activities that primarily defined my life were taking care of Kent and writing for him. Both are missing at present. I should have more time, but life seems busier than ever – filled with things that are not me. Like going to the office, sorting through stuff that were in their rightful places to begin with, an activity made more painful by giving and throwing away. He doesn’t need them anymore, and someone else can use them either physically or emotionally. But my heart needs for him to need them. That would mean he is with me.
I woke up this morning thinking, “This is enough. He needs to come home now.” I cried for hours. Then my daughters arrived and cried with me. Then we all hugged, made some coffee and chai, and went back to writing “thank you” cards. And how very thankful we are for our friends and family who have so faithfully shown love and care in so many ways. Although it is real work just to think and write, I am glad for the tradition of the cards. We want to say “thank you”, and we mean it.
How do widows make it without loving children? My kids and grandkids have sustained me in so many ways. When my girls arrived yesterday, they came bearing cards and pictures made by grandchildren. Carly, my eleven-year-old granddaughter, spent a long time on the computer, printing out many many photos that she thought would make me happy. They are all of her and her brother being silly and adorable. They are now all over my house, spots of happiness everywhere. My son, Lance, has supported me in untold numbers of ways. His dad prepared him to oversee the business, and teach me what I need to know and do, and he has been amazing. He is dealing with his own grief, but he has made the way easy for me, just as Kent knew he would.
I think I am finished for today. I will keep on sharing my journal with you as I can. I love you and your prayers.
Davidene
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Still lifting you to our Father during this new journey you are facing. God is holding you tight right now. I hope you find comfort in His loving arms when you feel you just can’t face one more minute alone.
Davidene,
My prayers and thoughts have been with you and the family. A family that has made an impact on my life in so many ways. Not one day has gone by that I have not thought about Kent and you all. May God continue to wrap his loving arms around you and comfort you. I love you!
Roslyn Robinson
God bless you! We will pray for you.
You, dear heart, are exactly where you ought to be, feeling the contrasts, and letting some of us pillars be your inside circle. Bless you! One of the things I’ve been praying for you to adjust to are the sounds … or the lack thereof. * As one who’s lived her life alone, I have a thot or two, of course, but w/ your shared journal you’re on the road. * I’ll return later but have you on my heart while the Living Lord Himself has engraved you on the palm of His hand . . . ~nella
I could not read all of your journaling. It hit too close to home. I know your sorrow and have for over 14 years. It does get better but there still are “times”. I have always said memories are Gods reruns of our lives. You have wonderful family and friends. Give yourself time, how much? I don’t know, but as long as you are walking with God, you WILL make it.
God Bless you and yours,
Oh Davidene,
You have been so much on our hearts and in our prayers. I can’t even imagine being in your shoes, and walking the road you are on now. It scares me to death! I get what you are saying about music. When I am grieving the loss of anything, usually a relationship gone bad, or even a disagreement with someone dear, I can’t put on my music, so I get it!
One day I’ll be in your shoes, but for now, your loss has made me wake up, and make the most of the gift of today, and the love JD and I share, not taking it for granted. Thank you for journaling” and just being honest.
Last night at church, the pastor spoke from Hebrews 4 and it hit me in a fresh way all that we have in Christ, because of what He endured for us in His short life as the God-man. Yes, how would we ever get through our deep , painful grief without Him and the precious children God has given us. He is our great high priest and the only one who is totally aware of our pain and our sense of loss. You immediately came to mind, and my heart cried out to The Lord for you.
THE HIGH PRIEST WHO CRIED OUT IN PAIN
“Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help”. (Hebrews 4:14-16 MSG)
Oh my dear girlfriend,
What can I say,
Love you, and will continue praying for you,
Barb
Hello Davidene, I have never met you personally but I have been praying for you as the Lord brings you and your family to mind in the past weeks. Reading your update brought tears to my eyes. Your sister Janet Parrington knows my husband and I because he did some work for her and Chris. I got to visit a little bit with her at Kent’s funeral and she sent me the most precious gift that my husband and I are cherishing and so thankful for right now. It’s one of Kent’s books that he read (by Oswald Chambers)and wrote notes in around 2008-2009. When I opened the package I got tears in my eyes and was so thankful to receive it. My husband has read more of it than I have. He sort of “stole” it from me after I got it. Hee hee! I am so sorry for how hard it is to grieve. I will continue to pray and hold you up. Thank you for sharing so honestly.And thank you for sharing Kent’s book with us. We are blessed by it.
Love in Christ,
Suzanne Holmes
Dear Suzanne: Thank you. I am glad you got Kent’s book. My family and I are cherishing and enjoying all of the books he marked up. I never knew I would be so grateful for his prolific reading and marking habits! It has left part of his heart and mind with us. Enjoy, Davidene
There are no words, Davidene, that I can begin to verbalize to you to minimize your pain emotionally, and the longing for Kent that you are surely feeling. I wish there were. Anything that would be said, you already know logically in your head and soul. We KNOW that God’s Will is perfect; however, a broken heart trying to mend somewhat and longing is yet another story. There is no logic to our broken hearts. I can only imagine it is “deafening”. Gary & I are praying that God holds you in his arms and begins helping you go through your mourning process as gently and painlessly as can be expected. God has supplied you with wonderful “tools” to help you get through this, even though you will always love and miss Kent desperately. Thank you for opening up your innermost feelings to all of us who love you. That is so special. Prayers and guidance for you on this “uncharted” road that lies ahead. Huge hugs, Barbara
Barbara, thanks so much for your sweet words. You are so right. I am praying for you daily, too, as you go through difficult times with Gary. Love you.
Hello, dear Davidene…. Athough you don’t know “us Spragues” as well as Kent did, you need to know that you are VERY PRECIOUS to us…. THANK YOU for your incredible honesty in your post; I believe that is — and will continue to be part of your healing. And please know that I am lifting you up to the Father every morning — asking Him to surround you and comfort you supernaturally. YOU ARE LOVED by SO MANY (including Brad and me!!!), and most of all by our loving Heavenly Father…. In Jesus’ love and care, Marty
Davidene,
It was so good to get this. Thank you for sharing your need. We do pray for you and your family as you adjust, but it helps to know where you are in it. If your life with Kent hadn’t been so good, it probably wouldn’t hurt so much! It’s ok to pull aside for awhile and just grieve. Memories can be therapeutic..at least for me…and good for all of you. It is for a time. God will get you up and going again. Aside from the fact that God loves and cares for YOU, I know He will take special care of you in lieu of Kent’s heart for widows. Rest in Him these days.
Did you know Bert Stumberg is now in heaven too? He died Jan 30. He had fallen and hit his head a year ago and had some memory loss which caused frustration for him. They had gone out to lunch and he choked on some food…went without oxygen for about 30 min before getting to the hospital. He died a couple of days later. Shirley has been busy with family. With 21 grandchildren they are having 3 weddings and 2 babies on the way. I don’t think she has had much chance to be alone yet.
Do keep in touch. Love from Bobby as well, Sue
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God bless you Davidene. I love you and pray for your comfort.
What transparency!! Thank you. It tells me outright why God reminds me to pray for widows, specifically for you as a “new” widow.
When Minty was having all if his heart attack issues over and over for four years, I remember thinking if my life in terms if widowhood. I rightly came to the conclusion that I couldn’t because I wasn’t!! I knew He was giving me a very different grace as a caregiver for a weakened husband. But not as a widow.
So my prayers have been for “widow-sized” grace for you.
Oh Davidene…my heart aches for your heart.
There’s no imagining or truly understanding what it’s like unless you’re living it…
but thank you for sharing your heart, your hurt & struggle.
I will be praying with more urgency.
Do you have the book by Adrian Rogers wife
“Grace For The Widow: A Journey Through The Fog Of Loss” ?
If not, I would be so blessed to send it to you.
In His love & mine,
Cris Johnson
Cris, I do not have that book, and would love to receieve it. It truly is a fog, and I appreciate any advice I can get! Thanks for your prayers, my friend. I know you have been here and know what today is like. Love, Davidene